Thursday, April 16: The Snow God speaks

Today is the third day since the beginning of New York’s stay-at-home period that the Snow God has imposed himself upon our fitful spring. All over CNY, thousands of people are looking out their windows planning unwise excursions and instead thinking, “Nahhh… maybe not.”

Many years ago, in my cellar there was discovered a strange object. (It was identified as a 1957 Econoline “Winter” lamp.) Thinking it merely a Christmas decoration, I installed it on the dining room table. We jokingly called it “The Snow God.” And that holiday season, it snowed a very great deal.

My sister, who despises snow, believed the lamp was the source of the trouble and forbade me to ever put the lamp out again.  But the next year, when the lamp was kept under wraps, it snowed even worse than before. That’s when I realized there was really a Snow God, that Ontario is his holy lake, and he was displeased at the lack of respect.  The following holiday season, I made sure to put the lamp on display again (though secretly, to avoid my sister’s persecution).  It also snowed a lot that winter, but it was a much more pleasant and enjoyable snow, knowing the Snow God was pleased.

I have since matured in my religious beliefs, and now understand that the Snow God does not require the veneration of idols, and now it is understood that the original lamp should merely be treated as a reminder of the Snow God’s power and underlying benevolence.  Instead, each winter I reflect on the gifts of the Snow God — the protection he brings for germinating seeds; the release of life-giving waters in the springtime; and especially how he falls on the rich and poor alike each winter, humbling the proud, and requiring all to share the endless search for a brand of ice scraper that actually works.  We are actually the people of the Snow God, and this is his favorite place. (See for yourself, it is proved by The Science!)  And, in very extraordinary times, as we now see, the Snow God will intervene to protect his beloved and long-suffering people.

In the future, when we have completely disrespected the earth and its climate, there may come a day when the Snow God will no longer involve himself in the affairs of men.  But today is not that day.